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Prelude 05

3/20/2012

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Late into the night packing my every belonging.  Not to move it to some new destination, wherein I lovingly unpack it, cherish its meaning and place it anew – giving it yet another life.  No, packing my things to sit in boxes.  As I gently wrap each item, I recall where it was acquired what it meant then, and ask: does this have meaning today? The answer seems muted by the roaring wave of unknowing.  While I am having moments of feeling like I am racing into the unknown throwing all caution to the wind and taking risk beyond measure, it’s not the truth.  I recall creating an intention for my life two years ago. I realize, I asked for this in full awareness.  I set the intention to walk away from what I perceived as comfort: a settled life on a gorgeous property, family, friends and familiarity abounding around me.  With deep appreciation for every blessing of love I have here, in my unraveling current life, the call to live and adventure more fully in the moment is undeniable.  With that call comes a demand to be in profound integrity with myself – each aspect.  My physical self and its cries for being playful, adventurous, daring, free and graceful.  My mental self and its desire to express more creativity in the form of photography, writing and engaging with others.  My spiritual self and it’s calling to heal –myself and others.  Finally, my emotional self – the least developed, immature aspect of my being.  My emotional self is looking through the open door and knowing that sometimes we will encounter sunshine and sometimes we will encounter storms. With faith in God and myself, there is no reason to meet out my emotion with caution.  Life is a delicious gift and I choose to live knowing that nothing and nobody can put out my fire.  I have hopes that the flames will at times rage; other times, burn with a soft consistent glow; and even sometimes, give reprieve from the fire in cooling embers.  

The legacy I want to leave is this: being an example of living passionately, authentic, and free.    

Whatever created us (I call it God but that matters not), wants us to thrive, not survive.  
 
I am impassioned tonight by the knowledge that a colleague passed away without warning.  He was a distant friend, one that I respected and cared for.  I am angered that his dreams to live fully –finally embarking upon his retirement – were stripped.  The past few times I saw him, he was excited, talking constantly about training for marathons and double-century cycling events.  He invariably arrived at my office with his wife who he was clearly thrilled to start sharing more of his newly claimed time with.  He, like many, had waited until his later years to start doing the things that called to his heart.  
 
With all due respect to all the responsibilities and adult obligations and things we are “supposed” to do and accomplish in life, I think we got confused somewhere along the way. I know I did.  I have made mistakes for the sake of money, status, pride, and ignorance.  And worst of all, I have lost love because of fear of being vulnerable.  
 
The thing I am most grateful for in life is this: we choose.  Today, I choose something different.  I choose to listen to the still voice inside and live to the best of my ability in accord with it.  
 
Don’t waste another day my friends.  Do, think, say, feel, or BE what calls you at the deepest level.  Forgive, forget, and love.  This is not a call for irresponsibility.  I am advocating for accountable authenticity.  It is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and others. If you don’t know what you want, ask yourself and be open.  The answers will come.
  
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Prelude 04

3/11/2012

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Since my January post, every intention and desire I held for this travel journey/life change has come to fruition.  Every single one.  When I advocate for positive thinking, for expectancy of good, and for belief in oneself and the true calling from one’s heart, I do so with a modicum of experience.  I also talk with others, read stories confirming my theories, participate in seminars and generally surround myself with people who choose to direct and be accountable for the state of their lives. 

My property is leased for a year.  With the exception of two, each of my six cats has a new home.  Friends and family are stepping up to borrow and use my things on long-term loan. Clients are responding to my departure with grace and enthusiasm. Opportunities have arisen in the field of photography and writing that were otherwise unexpected.  Friends are regularly contacting me to let me know that they have a friend or family member that they want me to meet along the way.  Packing the house is occurring with ease.  In the act of giving things away, I am again reminded of the frequency with which we may be touching another’s life and the infrequency with which we recognize, acknowledge and learn from it.  I see these moments as opportunities for healing.    
 
A brief story: I have 5 whitewater kayaks.  That may sound ludicrous but I assure you, I have friends with double and triple that number!  Whitewater kayaking is a sport drawing a unique range of people.  My experience of the common qualities suggest the willingness to be in the unknown and most often great passion for the sport or the overall river experience.  A river is never the same.  No matter how many times you have run a particular stretch of river, you cannot know exactly what it will do and when.  The water is a dynamic force that can be predicted but certainly not guaranteed. Spotting a bald eagle on the American river is an infrequent treat and one recalls the days this occurs as particularly sublime.  The reluctance to sell or give away a kayak is due to the emotional attachment to these experiences.  
 
I posted one of my 5 kayaks and some outdated gear on the local kayak club website.  Within minutes, I had 10 hits.  I offered the gear “free to good home”.  Being fair, I contacted the first person who responded. After several emails and phone calls to coordinate the transfer, a chance to get to know this person and his family has arisen.  In our last conversation, he asked how my packing was going.  I sincerely shared that I was struggling with time management (which is not a familiar issue for me).  My conflict lies in an erratic desire to repeatedly do all the activities that I have been engaged in while I have lived here.  I want to ride my mountain bike on the local trails that I love, I want to run the river that I have run hundreds of times, I want to play tennis with the same girls, and I want to plant a garden even though I am leaving.  This feels at once logical and illogical.  The young man I was talking with said he experienced my desire as childlike, sharing his opinion that as adults we give little appreciation to the familiar experiences and constantly seek more/better; whereas children find abundant joy in simple things they have done or do repeatedly.  This led to deeper conversation and theory about quality of life vs. quantity.  At the end of the
conversation he shared that he needed our conversation that day, that he was emotionally drained from the demands of his corporate position and our little time talking had uplifted his life.  Without prompting from me, he asked if there was any packing or moving that he could help me with when he came to pick up the kayak as he wanted to spend more time together and for his wife and children to get the chance to meet me.

Sharing this with you is not intended as a shout out for my ego.  It is intended as a reminder that our behavior, our words, our very lives have impact – my mission is to recognize  mine and use it for the highest good.  I call you to do the same.  I am brought to tears at the idea that fear and limited or competitive thinking causes us to miss out on these opportunities to care for another person, to engage fully and honestly, to love another for a brief moment and to trust that healing love to be spread.  We have a choice.  I choose to be bold and audacious, trusting that I am the only me and that everything I think and do has impact.  I choose for that impact to be healing.  I invite you to join me.
  
     

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Prelude 03

1/19/2012

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Just days ago, I was facing down fear and inviting the unknown into my heart.  Today, my enthusiasm for life is entirely out of control.  On a whim last night with little market research, I posted my lovely home on craig's list - for lease, for a year - and today, I am blessed with three truly viable offers.  There are in fact people who would love to live here, who can feel the peace (as I have done for numerous years) in this home and on this amazing property.  My choices are multiplying.   I have eluded on this website and in conversation with friends about my theory on freedom and how choice is the largest factor in our perspective about our level of freedom.  Does freedom even have levels?  Are we either trapped or free?  Are there varying degrees of freedom?  I have always equated freedom with the notion that I choose.  Whether that be choosing a home, a job, what I want for dinner, if I will mountain bike or kayak or heck, let's just reach for the sky and do BOTH, or what time I start work on a given day.  The dictionary has a lengthy definition of freedom.  The one I most identify with is: exception from external control.  Sounds kind of spiritual to me and frankly, I take it that way.  When we allow external material forces to direct our daily lives, we are missing out on the soul of living, on the spiritual reality of life.  We are supposed to be blessed.  We are supposed to live vivacious and vibrant lives.  No God, no Buddha, no mother earth or father sky or any other idea of creation would create us to be limited.  So why do we put ourselves in these boxes and then try to break out?  It's a rhetorical question yet one that I would love to open for discussion. Come play with me.  What do you think?   
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Prelude 02

1/17/2012

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With every adventure, there are generally unknowns.  I walk into the unknown with faith.  After several months of planning (organizing my life and professional endeavors to enable a year-long test drive on a possible lifestyle), my best laid plans have...fallen through.   The journey never ends because life is of itself a journey.  The mystery is enjoyed when we trust that we are right where we are supposed to be every step of the way (it sounds like a worn cliché yet it holds an eternal truth).  Don't get me wrong, I was angry at first.  I wanted to lash out at the people and issues that stood in my way.  Fortunately, years of self-exploration and introspection have taught me that perhaps there was a reason for this seeming delay.  Writing tonight, I'm not sure what it is and I accept that it will unfold.  As written in my mission (Prelude 01) I opt to accept the unacceptable.  I'm tempted by fears such as: how will I get the house leased?, what will I do with my cats?, who can I trust to care for my home and "things"?.  What I know in life is that what we set our mind to becomes our reality.  Thirteen years ago, I walked away from a 5-year history and certain partnership at a large and successful Sacramento architecture firm because I knew I wanted more time to create a balanced life.  I had literally 6 months worth of mortgage payments in my savings account and no clients on the horizon.  Within 3 months, I had time, more income than I had left, and what felt like freedom.  A quote from a book called "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" says:"...vividly imagine all that you desire from this worldly existence in a state of total expectancy..."  The dictionary defines expectancy as: the quality or state of expecting; anticipatory belief or desire.  So, I imagine myself driving from this gorgeous resort of a property and into the unknown of a long-term travel journey with every detail in order, my finances settled, several writing assignments, and a few mountain bike races on the calendar!  Telling you the truth, I also imagine writing an engaging non-fiction travel narrative that makes you think about your impact on other people and our planet, that encourages you to be the fullest expression of yourself, and perhaps offers you courage to leap out into the unknown and soar!
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Prelude 01

1/6/2012

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Off we go!  Carin and Dolce are cleaning up the loose ends at home in order to depart for a year in the RV.  Ponder that idea, a year of travel, and a litany of emotions arise: excitement!, WOW! a once in a lifetime experience, fear of the unknown, fear of leaving everything familiar, how will you afford it? and won't you get lonely? You're going to meet so many amazing people...these and countless other comments/questions have been asked when sharing my intention for this journey.  On the heels of a 5-day seminar whose subject was spirituality (non-denominational, personal contemplation), I find the answer to a question that's been ruminating within for months.  What is the purpose of this journey?  While it has felt like a deep calling for some time, I was unable to recognize the soul of it. 

My purposes are:

To experience childlike wonder.  Children simply trust.  They don't know where their parents are taking them and they hold the hand that leads them enthusiastically awaiting whatever comes next. Not knowing the duality of right/wrong or good/bad, children approach life with innocence and acceptance.  I was inspired to consider the personal power and freedom I might feel if I accepted the unacceptable.  I encourage you to consider the same.  When fear grips you and you think you have no choice, take a moment to consider all the "unacceptables" that go along with the fear.  You may be surprised to find that you are much stronger than you imagined.  Lack of income isn't death, simplifying our lives and choosing not to "keep up" with demands of materiality is not a loss of identity, in the midst of struggling through a difficult time in our lives we may discover what our heart truly desires. 

To accept every person I meet along the way as "the holy man/woman".  For some context about the holy man, read a book called: "The Holy Man" by Susan Trott.  The book is an incredible lesson about how our preconceived judgements can deter us from our greatest learnings and relationships.  So when I say I intend to accept everyone as the holy man, I choose to quiet any judgements and be open to experiencing others from a place of love and integrity. 
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    Carin G. Aichele

    Carin Aichele

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